Note to self

The harder each step in recovery is, the more rewarding it is as well.

Chipotle burritos are huge and just thinking about eating one can be daunting. If it's too much to handle you could probably take apart the burrito and just eat forkfuls from the filling. For me at least, that can be easier than bite after bite.

I know you were trying to help but this was a little triggering! :)

I want to at least attempt the tortilla bit. Taking it apart sounds kinda disordered, you know? 

I NEED to have ice cream tonight because it’s National Ice Cream Month. And yesterday was National Ice Cream Day and I didn’t celebrate it! But I mean, I gotta weigh my priorities here: being scared of a food versus doing my patriotic duty. Easy choice, right? :P

(You guys should demand to see pics of my bowl so I feel accountable. Haha jk. Mostly.)

So nervous

Every first and third Monday of the month, we get pizza delivered to the office… Obviously, it’s the first time I’ve ever been able to eat any. I don’t even know if I want any or not. Like I think I do, but I’m nervous and I also brought a really good lunch (the singapore street noodles, which are already a challenge.) Helpppp, I feel incredibly anxious just trying to decide right now.

I just read your post about veganism. Im trying to recover from an ED as well and i also went vegan and have had similar experiences as you with it of using it as as a way to not eat high calorie foods and at this point i have a panic attack if i have the slightest suspicion meat/eggs/or dairy are in my food. They have become fear foods for me too but im so scared of them i dont know if ill be able to eat them ever again. How have you begun to consume animal products again, do you have any tips?

I have! I know that it’s so difficult, because it’s a combo of normal guilt and fear (that you experience with regular fear foods) PLUS the moral trepidation! But what I tell myself—and what I recommend you tell yourself—is that the only way you can live a sustainable vegan lifestyle is if you FIRST fully recover. We have to help ourselves first.
Anyways, I started out pretty slowly. I bought some yogurt and just let it chill (literally haha) in my fridge for a couple days. Then, after I had gotten more accustomed to it, I had some. Like with any fear food, eating it gets way easier after you have it the first time and nothing bad happens.
Yesterday, my noodles had cooked egg; I ate a couple bites of the egg, not all, but enough to challenge myself.
I also bought some stuff with dairy in it that had looked enticing but obviously I hadn’t been able to eat: chocolate chip botatops and vanilla cupcake goldfish. I think those should be easy-ish to try since they’re not straight dairy products, so maybe consider that as well (:
Please let me know how it goes… I’m sending you strength and empathy!!

you are a cutie and I love your smile :)

Haha you’re a cutie as well! Big smile just for you :D